Maybe I am not alone… Maybe it’s common. I remember as a kid seeing these “Am I the only one…” posts and not once was there any… unique thing so, why should this be different? Maybe I am alone, I doubt I am, but I don’t like talking about it. Sure as hell wouldn’t admit it to anyone I knew personally. But this is shit I just need to get out there… It has been more frequent in the recent years but I guess I should ask the question… does anyone else get flashes of another self, or another situation that makes you shiver and hate yourself to even think about?
It didn’t really bother me until it started getting more frequent few years ago. I was sixteen, playing with my two lovely dogs, when I got a quick flash of stomping the face of one of them against the pavement. I stumbled back in horror, just even thinking about it made me absolutely sick to my stomach to think about. I tried to shake it out of my head and pet my dogs, and hold them closer. This was starting to become more common. If I crossed by an animal or pet, I’d get a quick image of just kicking it as hard as I could right in front of the owner. These flashes, made me sick every time. Made me hate myself, for even thinking about them.
Things weren’t any better at school. I remember some flashes I would have at school. A friend buying me something and me knocking it out of their hand, and generally being a dick to them, or thoughts of walking past people in the corridor, and just opening up my scissors, and stabbing someone, for no reason. These flashes always scared me because they were always things I could do right then and there. I had the utensils, I had my hands, the scissors, any other things I had in my hands ended up in one of those flashes. Oh the times I had seen my mother and father, my brothers, bleeding, screaming, glass and ceramic implanted in their skin in these flashes… I think the worst flashes though are the ones where out of nowhere my mind will show me a situation where I just break up with my girlfriend, call her an ugly cunt and walk off. How many times I have seen her cry in these flashes…
Over the years I have started to get more introverted. After school I lost contact with all my friends, one of my two brothers moved out, my parents got divorced so, I don’t see my older brother or dad anymore either, and I only see my mum or brother for the better part of ten minutes a day. I just sit in my room, where I can’t imagine hurting people I care about. Where I can’t hurt anyone… I can only see the flashes of what could have been. The flashes of ruining people’s day, and hurting them. I am sick of the thought, and I hate them. But I can’t really escape them. They are happening about four or five times a day at this point.
I have been going out for night walks recently. I’d walk past people’s houses, see the lights on and have a flash of robbing the houses, raping the women, sodomising the husbands and fathers in front of their children. The flashes are getting worse and more frequent. It has come to a point where I can’t find work or leave my room for more than a few minutes anymore. I am sending this out there because if I am not alone, then knowing that I am not alone will help me keep my sanity, it would help me a lot to know I am not alone in this. So please, if you have these horrible flashes of scenario’s that you can’t stand to think about, please let me know. I’m so sorry if this all sounds scrambled. I haven’t been the sanest recently. I am so sleep deprived, so sick and scared really. I still can’t ask anyone else about it, especially now since I have isolated myself, but if it is just a human condition well, that knowledge should calm me just a bit.
I should admit though. I have an ulterior motive to throwing this all out for you guys. You see, in all honesty, I am kind of scared. Recently I have become kind of reclusive like I mentioned, mostly due to these flashes but, there are a lot of other factors in play. But I can admit, I have been kind of an asshole. Like yesterday, I snapped at an old online friend, we got into a very heated argument. Very personal, very mean. The kind that would end in a fist fight if it were real life, despite my rare engagement in such an activity. The problem is that after the fight I got a flash, of how me saying that I was listening, and having a structured conversation about things. Diffusing the situation. It… really made me think.